Do Not Go Gentle
by December Sapphire
Summary: "What are you afraid of, Nanao-chan?" His words were like ashes on her tongue. To protect the one she loves the most, Nanao leaves, vowing to do everything in her power to take back what happened all those years ago. But what she doesn't know is the nightmare is closer than she thinks. [ON HIATUS]
1. It Happened That Night

**Ohai! Thank you to those who read and reviewed _I'll Remember._ Your comments made my day. Are you guys ready for a new story? This one isn't sad like _I'll Remember..._ don't worry, but it is intense if I do say so myself. And there may or may not be a lemon in one of these chapters. ;)**

 **Warning: This story will be dark. Please be aware of that.**

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **Do Not Go Gentle**

Chapter One

It Happened That Night

 _"Be you brave my love?"_

 _Her voice sweet as plum perfume. "Will you stay with me?"_

 _Izanagi sighed; took his Lady in his arms, held her in the dark._

 _"Lie with me now, love." Her breath, snow upon his cheek. "Make_ _me warm again."_

 _She pressed with black lips, and in her kiss he tasted,_

 _Ashes on her tongue._

 _-_ from the _Book of Ten Thousand Days_

xXx

He was looking at her again. Nanao could feel his warm, but affecting stare right down to her bones. The black brush touched the form in front of her lightly; the few kanji lines already on the white page; still, she couldn't bring herself to move it, not while he watched her. She began the move her left leg up and down subconsciously. She fought herself to not look back at him, but the thought of it was overwhelming, like an itch that could not be reached. She huffed in annoyance.

Then two hands appeared on her shoulders, rubbing their fingers into her muscles. She jumped at the sudden touch, but relaxed as the fingers began to do their magic. Nanao hummed to the calm motion of the deep pressure. A chuckle rang through her ears when she did that, and her eyes shot open, slapping away the hands.

"Taicho! What do you think you are doing?" she snapped, fixing her glasses and re-organizing everything on her desk.

"Nanao-chan looked so stressed so I thought I would help," he hummed in her ear.

"I don't need any help. I am fine."

She felt his hands back on her shoulders and froze. "But you're so tense. There are so many knots in your shoulders, Nanao-chan. That's no good."

Her fingers moved across her desk slowly, searching for her fan. However, it was nowhere to be found.

"Looking for this, sweet Nanao-chan?" Shunsui leaned over her shoulder, waving her fan in front of her.

She attempted to take it from him, only for him to move it farther from her. She stood up, trying again. "Give it!" she demanded.

"Only if Nanao-chan calms down."

She stood up in her chair, trying to take it again. "Taicho, give back my fan!"

He graced her with his legendary grin. "Nanao-chan, relax"

"Not until you give my fan back!" she said.

He backed up from her, moving around her desk. She followed with glaring eyes. He raised his arm above his head, making her jump for her fan. After a few jumps, Nanao stopped and huffed in annoyance. "Enough! Kyoraku-taicho, I demand you give my fan back to me immediately!"

He leaned in again, making her eye wide. "Or what, Nanao-chan?"

He was teasing her. It was clear that he was. He did this almost every Thursday around this time. Actually he did this everyday whenever Nanao wasn't looking. Staring at her with hose dark brown eyes of his and flashing that legendary grin of his. It made Nanao so…so…

Her hand balled up into fists, she narrowed her eyes at the man not knowing what to say. Why did he leave her speechless all the time? She has known this man for years, she should be able to stand up for herself and show him who was boss! Even though he was actually the boss. Still, she was her own person! And her Taicho was doing something utterly inappropriate! He needed to be taught that this was work time and play time was for another point in the day. She needed to tell him to stop this childishness and get back to work. She needed to…

But she couldn't when he started to get closer to her. He kept stepping towards her. And with every step he took, she took one back. They did routine until Nanao felt the solid wall against her back. Her breath caught when all she could see was her Taicho's tan chest. She was so close she could see and identify the small scars scattering his skin like tiny tattoos he never wanted. It took almost all her will power to stop herself by tracing each one of them. She couldn't let herself fall into darkness…she would never be able to live with herself if something happened to her Taicho. She cared for him so much…that was why she was saving him from herself.

Her chest moved up and down. His lingering scent of sake, a permanent feature, and the freshness of cherry blossom flowers and grass hit her nose like a strong reiastu. It almost pushed her forward into him, waiting more. She closed her eyes, sinking in this moment until the professional side of her snapped back to her senses and pushed away.

"Nanao," his deep, rumbling voice filtered her ears.

She glanced up to him, locking eyes with his. They were soft from what she could tell. His grin was replaced with a serious frown, but sadness was hidden deep behind his expression, something Nanao hasn't seen for years. Not since that night.

"Nanao-chan," his voice caught her again. His finger slowly moved against her cheek and down to her chin, holding it there. "What are you afraid of?"

His large hat shaded them from the outside world. Nanao felt as if they were the last two on Earth. His large body hid her from the outside, protecting her. She was shaking now. Not because of fear, but because of a darkness inside of her heart. One she could never let go. One she could never let him know about or let her own soul be taken away to Hell.

She couldn't stop herself by leaning her forehead against his chest. His hand had dropped and touched the top of her head gently. There Nanao let her eyes close again, releasing a few drops of tears. The salty waters streamed down her pale cheeks, landing on the wooden ground below. She quietly sniffed, hoping Kyoraku-taicho wouldn't hear. But when that finger appeared on her chin again, lifting it back up to his face, Nanao knew he could tell. He could always tell when she was off. He could tell when she was hiding something from him. He has probably known she was keeping something from him for years and years, but never bothered to ask her. She was never one to open up to her feelings or anything about herself. Kyoraku-taicho was the person who knew her the most and she made sure he knew only the bare minimum about her. Nothing more.

After all these years he only knew the bare minimum about her.

The bare minimum.

"I'm sorry, Taicho," she whispered, letting another tear fall.

She blinked, trying to clear her flooding eyes. His other hand appeared, whipping the tears away with his thumb. He gave her a small smile. "You shouldn't cry, Nanao-chan. No body as beautiful as you should."

She gasped, not knowing how to respond. _He never said it so seriously before,_ she thought, holding his gaze. _Usually he would have this teasing tone, but now…_ "Kyoraku-taicho….I…"

"Youuuhooo!" a high pitched call rang though the office. "Nanao-san, Kyoraku-taicho!"

Both Shunsui and Nanao moved away from each other just in time to see the shoji door slide open, revealing their blonde haired friend. Nanao wiped the rest of the tears away, walking passed Shunsui and Rangiku to her desk.

"I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?" Rangiku asked, placing her hand on her hip. "Because I can come back later if you two were…you know."

Nanao's eyes when wide and she twisted around, taking a pile of forms with her. "No, Rangiku-san, you weren't ."

"Good!" she jumped. "Because I'm here to talk to you guys about something totally awesome happening tomorrow tonight."

Nanao blinked, glancing quickly at Shunsui. He locked eyes quickly with her, returning to his regular, playful expression. Why did she have to get lost in a neon sea of stars whenever she caught his eyes?

"Nanao-san?"

Nanao sighed. "Sorry, Rangiku-san, um…you can tell Kyoraku-taicho all about it. I have to drop these forms off at first division."

She moved passed Rangiku fast, hoping to not stay longer. "But Nanao-san…."

Before Rangiku said more, Nanao shunpoed away, never looking back.

xXx

Shunsui couldn't help but stare at the door Nanao disappeared from. Nanao had always been the quiet type, but today there was something off about her. Around this time every year she was like this. The way she was acting was like a bomb about to go off. It made Shunsui's skin crawl with concern.

"Kyoraku-taicho? You alright?" Rangiku asked.

He smiled at her, tipping his hat up. "Sorry, Rangiku-san, you were saying something about tomorrow tonight?"

"Yes, well I wanted Nanao to be here too, but this has given me a much better idea! I think this would be a good opportunity, since Nanao-san and yours birthday are so close together, to throw a birthday extravaganza!" she moved closer to him, whispering, "But I think we should give Nanao-san a surprise party." She stood back up straight. "Of course, your birthday would be included but, I think it would give Nanao-san a great surprise."

Shunsui rubbed his stubble chin. "Hm, I like it. My Nanao-chan deserves something nice, doesn't she? Can you organize it by tomorrow, Rangiku-san?"

"Of course I can! Don't underestimate my power, Kyoraku-san. I can do anything once I put my looks into it. Leave it all to me."

"Excellent. Just make sure nobody tells Nanao-chan anything. I don't want anybody to spoil all the fun." He winked at her.

He turned back towards his desk, lowering his hat to hide his frown. He could hear Rangiku's excited giggling behind him. Her flashy reiastu filled the room to the brim. "Awesome! Then I shall tell people what is happening and to make sure Nanao-san is kept in the darkness about it. Oh and I'll put you in charge of Nanao-san, yeah? Okay, see you tomorrow at eight pm at the White Lotus restaurant."

He only gave her a quick nod, distancing himself from her voice as she left the office. All he could think about was Nanao and her tears. A quick flash of the past followed in his head. Her bloody, unconscious body in his arms. He found himself watching the Shinigami outside, feeling a spark of chill in his bones. Reflexive, distressed, his thoughts echoed Nanao's facial expressions. _That night…where did you go?_

 _What were you hiding from me, Nanao?_

His tried to swallow, his mouth dry as ash.

 _What are you afraid of?_

xXx

Nanao hid on the other side of her squad gates. There were no forms to be sent to the first, she was only carrying the budget plan, something that she and her Taicho only needed to see. In truth, she was avoiding to be near Kyoraku-taicho at the moment. His moving brown eyes made her heart melt into molten magma. She licked her lips. Her throat was dry as rice paper. At some point she would have to return back to the office to face his endless stares and bottomless words.

She placed her hand on her chest, cursing at the fact her birthday fell on that cursed day. Why did it have to happen on her birthday of all the days? Ever since that night, her relationship with Shunsui might've changed for the better. Nanao could tell a part of his soul had been altered to the unfortunate event due to her. _It was as bad as the time Yadomaru-san left._ She could tell from the way he had looked at her, holding her hand tightly in his, never leaving her sight for an instant. It was the worst night for both of them. One Nanao hope to never repeat.

She peaked from around the corner at the office window. _I wonder what he's doing now._

Nanao had since felt Rangiku's reiastu leaving the eighth only minutes ago, letting her know that Shunsui would probably be passed out on the couch again. She sighed heavily, returning to her professional attitude.

Upon returning to the office, Nanao found herself in front of a peculiar person. One she had never seen before. A girl with glasses— a few years younger— stood in front of the office door. She seemed nervous, pacing back and forth, and pausing in front of the door, only to repeat her actions. Her brown curls bounced whenever she took a step. Her eyes blinked fast, showing her nervousness. And the glasses she wore fogged up so much she would take them off and clean them after every round.

Nanao walked up to her. "Excuse me? Can I help you?"

The girl jumped and looked at Nanao with shock. She looked back and forth between her and the door before scurrying off. Nanao raised an eyebrow at the retreating girl and shrugged. _Probably another dare to confess love to Kyoraku-taicho._ She sighed. "He seems to be getting more of those lately."

Nanao's hand paused at the door, her eyes lowering. _Perhaps I should take the rest of the day off._ She breathed deeply, her eyes back up and facing forward. _No, I cannot think about the past anymore. It happened. It's done. It will never be repeated again. And so long as he doesn't know why I did it, then all will be well._

And she opened the shoji door.

xXx

She never did tell him the reasoning for what she did that night. She never told anybody. She could barely remember the night herself. Although the reason still stuck in her mind. It happened ten years ago and since then he has been trying to wean it out of her with no result. She would not speak of it…never again. But the darkness still lingered in her heart, a darkness she could never escape. And today, when she awoke naturally to the new light, she would have to live through the day that changed her life and the way she thought about her Taicho forever.

Yesterday, Shunsui had told her to sleep in and come in the office when she pleased, but he should know by now that she would be the first one to come in. And he would still come in around noon, lounge on the floor all day, probably bother her because it was her birthday, and leave. In short, it would be a normal day.

"A normal day."

She got up and did her normal morning routine. When she looked in the mirror, she paused to look more deeply at her image. The reflecting glass smiled back, tormenting her mind about what happened ten years ago. Nanao shook her head, looking away and taking a deep breath. "Today will be a good. I will smile and say good morning like any normal day. Yes, everything will be fine."

Walking out into the brisk summer morning, she smiled and listened to the silent, calm air of the Seireitei. The sun was just above the treeline, giving the vast landscape a new life. Nanao walked slowly to the office, taking her time and enjoying her morning to the best of her ability.

Once she unlocked the door to the office, she paused at the steps leading to the top. A familiar reiastu lingered in the morning air. A strong reiastu she had gotten used to after being around it for so long. She sighed heavily, knowing he had probably had been drinking the night before and was passed out on the floor surrounded by clay sake bottles.

When she had entered the office yesterday after her small, fake errand, she had found Shunsui standing in front of the window. Surprised by his unusual action, she walked over to him and without a word looked outside to see what he saw. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but she was still curious. But what surprised her the most was the darkness that shaded his eyes. His hat had been lowered to hide them and there was a deep frown painted on his face. Moments later, he told her he was leaving for the day and left without another word.

Nanao couldn't work on a single form after.

She braced herself for the worse, placing her hand on the shoji door. When she forced it open, her eyes widened by the fact her Taicho was at his desk, carefully writing on a piece of paper. Two piles were neatly stacked on his desk (one complete and the other not complete) and the smell of coffee stained the atmosphere.

Nanao walked in slowly, sliding the door closed. Shunsui looked up and smiled brightly. "Good morning, my sweet Nanao-chan! I hope you had a good sleep!"

"Yeah," she blinked, placing her bag on her desk, "uh, Taicho what are you doing?"

"What are you talking about, Nanao-chan? I'm doing work."

"I can see that…why?"

He frowned. "Why not? I am the Taicho after all. And besides," he got up from his chair with small grunt and walked over to her with his famous grin, "it's your birthday."

Nanao looked away from his looming gaze. "That shouldn't matter in the slightest, Taicho."

"Of course it matters, Nanao-chan! Many years ago today the most beautiful woman was born! How can it not matter?"

Nanao moved away from him, hiding her eyes behind her glasses. "Because it doesn't. It's just a normal day…like any other. My birth is nothing to celebrate."

She felt his hand on her shoulder moments later. "Nanao-chan, it matters to me." His voice had deepened and had grown more serious. "Today…is a special day. We need to remember—"

She slapped his hand away, cutting him off. "No, we don't need to remember anything!" she snapped, twisting around to him. His eyes made Nanao's heart break. How could she have just…? She took a breath and calmed down. "I'm sorry, Taicho. I shouldn't have spoken out of term."

He tilted his hat down to shade his eyes, leaving his frown upon his face. It felt like Nanao's heart was being stabbed by needles when he did his action. "Its fine, Nanao," he spoke, moving passed her towards the door, pausing. "Happy Birthday."

And he left without another word.

xXx

She couldn't concentrate on her work. The more the clock ticked away the more agitated and frustrated Nanao felt. It was only a little passed noon and she would've thought he'd be back by now with lunch in hand, but no…she couldn't even feel his reiastu meaning he was either one, blocking it, or two, too far away for her to feel it. Either way, there was no possible way her work was going to get done today.

Nanao clenched her teeth, holding in the crack that was coming forward. And in a quick movement, she picked up the clay ink bottle and threw it across the room. It shattered on the wooden wall, splattering it with dark ink. The colour ran down the wall like a slow stream, mimicking the tears running down Nanao's face.

She held her head in her hands, hiding her expression to whoever may be coming by. She sniffed, taking a deep breath, trying to calm the monster inside of her that wanted to lash out more. She bit her lip accidently, making it bleed. Red coloured her skin temporarily. Nanao's finger traced the open wound, placing a small light kido.

She cursed this day. She cursed it over and over. _July seventh_ … _that night…why can't I remember…_ Her eyes landed on the falling ink on the wall. _…I'll never be able to get it back. I'll never be the same. My future…was ruined._

Her focus lingered on the thought more, until the sound of the shoji door opened and her Taicho walked in. Nanao's eye shot up to him, frozen. He looked at the wall and the broken pottery then to her. He raised an eye brown and Nanao looked down.

"I knew you were upset with me, Nanao-chan, but did you have to take it out on the ink pot?" he commented, hinting a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

Nanao's eyes perked back up to him. "I…" she breathed. "I'm not upset with you, Taicho. I'm just…"

He gave her a small smile. "I know, Nanao-chan. You don't have to say it."

"But, Taicho…I really am—"

"Nanao," he cut her off, "I forgive you."

She swallowed the dry lump in her throat. Silence filled the room, making his presence more difficult than he was gone. Her mouth felt like sandpaper. Her eyes felt swollen. And she wanted to run away from this day and wait until midnight when it was over for another year.

And then her Taicho spoke again. "Nanao-chan, you do know you can tell me anything, right? Whatever is bothering you, I am here to help. Whatever it is."

"I know," she muttered quietly, keeping her eyes away from him.

"Nanao," his footsteps stopped beside her chair. A piece of her hair was tucked behind her ear and she blinked away the incoming tears, "is this about what happened that night?"

A quick release of air and she looked at him with a hardening look. "Please don't, Taicho."

"Nanao, what happened that night…" his words were as soft as a blossoming cherry petal.

"I can't…not yet," she shook her head.

He stood up. "Nanao-chan, you know the faster we solve it, the faster it can go away. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you, but seeing you this upset…hurts."

 _It can never go away._ She crossed her arms, looking at him. "It can't be solved. Please, let it go." _Please…._

He nodded. "Okay, Nanao-chan, I'll let go…if you can forgive me for being a horrible Taicho."

She gave him a small smiled. "You aren't a horrible Taicho. You certainly aren't the best, but you aren't the worst either."

He grinned. "Then where do you think I stand, sweet Nanao-chan."

"Hm, possibly the fifth maybe the fourth position."

"I can take that. Wait, who's the best then?"

She smiled at him even more. "Ukitake-taicho."

He frowned. "Juu-san! How is he a better Taicho than me?"

"I don't think I need to answer that, Taicho."

For the rest of the afternoon, all was well. Nanao had placed the thing she hated most about the day in the back of her mind.

But it would never be forgotten.

xXx

Although the sun was slowly going down, Shunsui couldn't help be still be worried about Nanao. Those small roadblocks they had encountered today happened because he was pushing her to talk about the unfortunate event. But even if it may be, the last ten years had been torture for him. Nanao would distance herself from him especially during this time of the year. In other years, she wouldn't say much either way and would keep their relationship professional. Still, what happened that night all those years ago didn't just change her, it changed him as well. It made the feelings for her more clear and intense. Life was fragile. The fact that he had almost lost her, he never wanted to see her in pain again. However, seeing her in such a mental state of hiding herself made his heart ache in giant tsunami waves. He wanted to help her, but he didn't know how. Just like her, he was lost.

Today was her birthday.

Shunsui always wanted to make her birthday the best, but Nanao never let him. She wanted to keep their relationship professional and nothing more. On these days, she would hide in her room and read a book on her birthday nights, only later getting dragged out by the SWA to a restaurant. Still, he wouldn't be able to interfere. SWA rules.

In the last ten years, he hadn't spent one birthday night with her. That was why tonight would be different.

She was sitting at her desk when he came back in. Shunsui smiled at himself at how much she had grown up after all these years. And tonight would be the start of a new chapter for both of them. _Only if she allows me,_ he silently told himself.

"Nanao-chan!" he said. "I want to take you out for dinner."

"Not happening, Taicho," she answered swiftly.

"But, Nanao-chan. We never spent any time together on your birthday."

"What are you talking about? We spent most of the day together."

"But that was doing work…and other things…I want to treat you to something special tonight. I want to give you a gift you shall never forget. Can you let your dear old Taicho do that for you?"

She eyed him and sighed. "I guess. But not too long…and nothing fancy. Don't expect me to change."

"I wouldn't have it any other way, my dear Nanao-chan. Whatever makes your birthday more amazing."

She walked passed him and once she did, he frowned.

 _Nanao…_

He walked out of the office, locking the door behind him.

… _will I ever know what happened that night ten years ago?_

xXx

She didn't know where he was leading her.

Nanao followed briskly behind her Taicho's footsteps. There were no words spoken, no heavy breathing, just pure and utter silence. There was no exchange of glances or teasing attempts at touching. There was nothing. And that was how Nanao wanted it to be.

 _As long as we don't get too close…he'll be safe._

But hear ached still, as if pins were being stabbed into it. The way she acted around him today…it wasn't like her. She hated herself and how she acted towards him today. She could always tell him what happened ten years ago, stopped this nonsense once and for all. But ten years…what would change after she told him?.

Was he ever going to stop?

Was he ever going to let her go?

She was suddenly in a dark room. Shunsui had somehow disappeared and it was pure quiet. Before she could manage to call out his name, she jumped to the flashing of the lights being turned on and a loud "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NANAO!" by at least fifty people.

She was stunned. Her feet stuck to the floor. She didn't know whether to killed Shunsui or…no, she was going to kill him.

Her eyes found him in the crowd as people started to come towards her, wishing her happy birthday and trying to make conversation. Rangiku was the first one, babbling how it was all her idea and how Shunsui really was the one who told her to go for it. Nanao's eyes moved to her friend right when she said that, and gave her a smile and a hug. "Thank you, Rangiku-san. I am definitely surprised by all of this."

"Of course, were celebrating Kyoraku-taicho's too, but you are the star of the night tonight. Have a few drinks, talk, mingle, and who knows," Rangiku winked, "maybe you'll end up sharing a bed with a Taicho we all know."

Nanao blushed. "I doubt that, Rangiku-san, but thanks."

"So hey, I hear Kyoraku-taicho has a surprise for you in the back room. For your eyes only…go on," she said in Nanao's ear.

Nanao didn't know what to do. She was already done for the night. Her brain was at max capacity of stress overload. And like she had told her Taicho, her birthday was nothing to celebrate.

 _Not since it reminds me of that night._

She pulled back the purple curtains to the back room, letting herself be immersed in warm candle light glow. In the middle of the room was a small round table, with a white table cloth, and two chairs around it. Standing beside it was none other than her Taicho. She smiled, shaking her head. "What is this?"

"I told you I was taking you out for dinner, so here we are." He pulled the chair out for her and motioned her to sit.

She looked at him as he sat down. His hat was off and his pink kimono was gone off his shoulders, leaving his white haori visible. "I never see it enough," she said.

"Hm?"

"Your captain's haori."

"Oh! Well, you know me…always wanting to be different."

"Right." Her fingers traced the edge of the table cloth, trying to think of a subject. "So…a surprise party? Really?"

"It was Rangiku-san's idea. I only told her to go forward with it."

"Taicho, you know I hate surprises."

"Which is even a better reason to throw one. Besides, Nanao-chan, you spent every one of your birthdays alone. Well, except the few hours the SWA drags you out, but even then…I've never in the last ten years spent one birthday night with you."

"And you already know why."

"No, I don't, Nanao-chan, because you never told me what happened that night."

She blinked at hi through the candle light. "Taicho…"

"You already know how worried I was…I've told you many times. I didn't know where you were, what you were doing. When you came back covered with scratches and blood…Nanao," his large hand caught her small one on the table, "I thought I was going to lose you."

"But you didn't," she moved her hand away, feeling her heart leaping from her chest. "Taicho, we've spoken about this, twice today in fact and many time before. . I can't tell you what happened that night because I can't remember."

"Then tell me why you left? I've been asking you this question for years without an answer and I want one. Nanao-chan, what makes you so afraid?"

 _I don't want to lose you…_ Her eyes locked with his and shook her head. _He needs to know part of the truth at least._ "I can't tell you because…"

"What?"

She shrugged. "I can't remember. I'm sorry." She placed her hand on her head, feeling a headache coming on.

"Whatever happened is still affecting you. You understand this? Ten years and you've done nothing to solve what has happened. Telling me the full truth will help."

"I've already told you everything!" she cried.

"Nanao, I've known you for decades to know that's not true. Don't you think I know you're hiding something? For ten years I've let it slide. I've let it not bother me but no more. I'm done seeing you like this. You're hurting."

"And why should you care?" she stood up, her eyes wide and voice shaking. "Why do you keep asking? It doesn't even involve you. My life…is my own. Anything that happens outside of work is nobody's business but my own. So why should I tell you?"

"Because I'm in love with you!"

* * *

 **So...should I continue or nah? Let me know in the reviews! I love love love reviews!**


	2. To Kill a Mockingbird

**New chapter say what! I wanted to put this chapter out last weekend, but school pushed me and said "pfft no". One quiz and three essays later, I started writing this chapter! It's a little shorter than last chapter and we're getting into a few darker themes, buuuut many exciting things are going to happen. I'm super excited!**

 **Shout out to the lovely readers who took the time to review last chapter. As well as the followers! Makes me smile that this pairing is still going strong.**

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

Chapter Two

To Kill a Mockingbird

 _Tiger proudly roars._

 _Dragon dives and Phoenix soars._

 _Fox gets the chicken._

 _-_ Jay Kristoff _Stormdancer_

"Because I'm in love with you."

Nanao's mouth grew dry as dust. The lump grew in her throat, making it impossible to speak. Eyes were wide as new flowering buds. All she could do was shake her head slowly, carefully watching the powerful Taicho in front of her. His face remained stale. Soft eyes slowly darkened under the dim warm light. Her legs shook as gravity began to force her to the ground. The atmosphere fell like thick smoke, crowding around her lungs, limiting her breathing.

Shunsui stepped forward and Nanao looked away.

"Nanao-chan…."

"You cannot think of me in that way," she spoke suddenly; her voice grew heavier with each word.

Her eyes remained away from his closing form. Heart burned with pain of bittersweet rejection. He would say 'I love you' to her almost every day, but those were meaningless comments—teasing words to get her attention. So what made this different?

When he said those words, he spoke like those words were going to be the last words he said to her. His voice was soft like a blooming cherry blossom in the spring. These words were not like the others. These words were true—they were for her and her alone. And that scared her.

"Nanao-chan, you know I do. There should be no reason why I shouldn't be in love with you."

She could feel him even closer now. Her eyes shut, moving her head away as she felt his warm breath on her face, and his hand casually removing a piece of hair and tucking it behind her ear. "There are many reasons," she muttered.

"Including?"

Nanao bit her lip, not knowing what to say. Shunsui's soft touch was enough to throw her into the neon sea she never wanted to leap into. This man made her mind and soul feel endless electricity, only to end up under a pile of blackened soot.

Her eyes shot open as she slapped his hand away. Tears filled her eyes, but she held it in, feeling the dread of regret crowd her mind. She searched his eyes, his widened eyes that made her heart crack. And her head shook slowly. "Why me? Tell me that?"

"Nanao-chan, why do you ask me that? You should already know the answer," he said, eyes narrowed.

She frowned. "I'm nothing like those girls who flirt with you during the weekends at the bars."

"What are you talking about?" he said, placing his hands on her shoulders

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" she snapped, moving away from him.

"Those girls are nothing compared to you. They sell themselves for play. They're only there for entertainment. Your soul is beautiful and bright while theirs might as well be tainted black."

She nodded, looking away from him, whispering, "So I'm worse."

"Sweetheart, what are you talking about? You are making no sense right now."

"Don't call me Sweetheart."

A pause. His hands were placed back on her shoulders. This time she did not move them."Nanao-chan, how can you be worse than them?"

Her eyes moved up to his, searching for something. "I'm not who you think I am."

"And who are you?" he asked softly. "You know who you are? You're my Nanao-chan, and nothing is going to change that."

He had pulled her into a hug before she said anything else. His warmness radiated off, making Nanao sink deeper in his chest. The scent of cherry blossoms filled her nose like a burning fire. She couldn't seem to be able to move away. _He's so warm…._

In the protection of his arms, Nanao couldn't imagine who wouldn't dream about being in this man's arms. He was one of the strongest Shinigami after all, and she… _why?_

"I'm in love with you, Nanao, and all I wish for my birthday is to know how you feel," he whispered in her ear.

His voice echoed through Nanao's mind. His soft whispers like a mother's lullaby, calming her soul. Still, she had to remember her place and what her current situation was like. As much as his warm hugs were comforting, she knew he would never want to touch her once he knew the truth about her. About that night and… _about my past. If he knew…he would never be able to look at me again._

She moved away from him, pushing against his chest, and dropping her hands. Her eyes moved to the floor, not able to take a glance at his expression once she told him. Suddenly the air grew thin and Nanao's knees grew weak. She realized she wouldn't be able to stay in the same room as Kyoraku-taicho for another minute without crying.

"I can't," she spoke softly.

"You can't what?"

She breathed through her nose deeply and looked up to him with a stern look. "I can't be in love with you. I'm not in love with you. And you need to accept that."

And she left without another word.

xXx

Shunsui's eyes remained glued to the door she exited from. The chatter outside reached his ears steadily, as he felt his bloody rise slowly like a shaking volcano in the middle of blowing up. Her words rang through his ears, staining the mind of his memories. It was like burning ash. The constant grasp at her heart slowly pulled away from him and out of his reach. He growled in response, punching the wall, muttering curses. _She is so stubborn!_

He took a deep breath, moving away from the damaged wall he would probably have to pay for. The giant hole, it was a reminder of what his heart felt like. As much as her words hurt, he knew deep down she was lying. She had to be! No one ever acted around him like Nanao did. Some girls flirted with him, yes, but that was no love. Nanao's small gestures of the slapping of her fan and the tone of her mature and professional voice made his mind aware of what she was doing. She was like a dancing fire, controlling, but heated and demanding. It made his entire being end up in her flames. He didn't care what she told him, he knew the truth in the bottom of his heart and would never give up on her.

"Shunsui?" a voice of an old friend reached his ears. "What happened in here?"

He turned to his friend and smiled. "Nothing, everything's fine. Nanao and I just had a misunderstanding."

"Is that why she rushed out of here?"

Shunsui's eyes fell back on the hole and frowned. "I guess."

"What did you say to her?"

"I told her I was in love with her, Juu."

"Well that doesn't explain why should would have run off. You tell her you love her every day."

"I do tell her I love her every day," he smiled. "But I never told her I was _in_ love with her."

"Ah, now I see," Juushiro said.

Shunsui felt his friend's hand on his shoulder. "I got angry," he chuckled. "Can you believe that? I don't remember the last time I lost my anger like that, but she probably felt it coming on."

"Actually, everyone felt it," Juushiro confessed.

"Thanks, Juu," he said in a sarcastic tone. He shook his head. "That's not the worst part of it."

"Then what is?"

Shunsui licked his dry lips, and muttered the words in a low tone. "I tried to force her into telling me what happened that night ten years ago."

His friend gave him a softened look. The sea green eyes growing distant. And Shunsui looked away knowing he knew what he was talking about.

"I have never felt so foolish. Why would I think she would tell me? She was never the one to open up much. I thought, at least to me, she would have." He shook his head and sighed. "I should never have forced her."

"You should go after her then."

"No, not now. She has had enough of me for tonight," he smiled small. "She needs room to breathe."

Juushiro sighed quietly. "If you say so, Shunsui."

Shunsui felt his friend leave the room as he sat down at the abandoned table, taking a swig of the sake. He would talk to Nanao tomorrow. For now, she needed time to cool down, as well as himself. His love for her dug deep into the depths of darkness. He would even bring her back from Hell if that ever happened. She may be his lieutenant, but she was more than that. She was his everything. Still, would she ever let him into her heart? Would he ever know what her past was all about? He could still remember when they met out in the 45th Rukon district. She was covered with dirt, blood and scratches and even through all of that, she still stood tall against his powerful reiastu. Lisa Yadomaru demanded they take her back after that, mentioning to him the little girl held some kind of special power. Since then, Shunsui always looked out for her, protecting her and making sure she stayed out of trouble. And when Lisa disappeared, they grew closer.

He closed his eyes, remembering the memories of Nanao. They moved through his mind like a running film. Her brilliant smile flashed and musical laughter making his word brighter. She was his sun and brought him out of the darkness. His eyes opened slowly and he frowned. _If only I could do the same._

And he was so lost in the world of imagination he didn't feel or hear the stranger enter the room.

xXx

 _She was six years old when a group of samurai called The Black Lotus attacked her small village in the 50_ _th_ _Rukon district. She remember the sounds of the iron amour made, like a snake pit full of twisting metal, heavy boots drumming on the sun-dried road. Tall like tsunamis, sweeping their thick swords through the few who tried to stand up to them. Long, red peacock feathers decorated on the soldiers helmets—symbolizing their elegance to their master. The midnight moon shining above like a giant firefly lantern turned silver, reflecting like a mirror on their shimmering steal. She remembers the shattering screams like fragile glass. Blood spilt and stained the Earth. Ash fell like black snow, covering the ground in a shadow. It was one of the memories that haunted Nanao's mind like slick poison._

 _The Black Lotus was a group of loyal men towards those who hated the Shinigami. They had no reiastu flowing through their body, but sheer strength and skill made these men spread terror through the Rukongai. When it came to the Gotei 13, these men avoided them. They would hide in bushes and shadows if a Shinigami pasted by. Meanwhile, the Gotei did nothing in favour of these blood thirsty men. The Black Lotus didn't care for Hollow or exterminating them. There only goal was obliteration. As long as they stayed out of the Gotei's way, there was no problem to be held._

 _When the samurai had stormed her house, killing her parents, Nanao had been hiding in a small cupboard, placed in there by her mother minutes before. Her four year old sister—unknown. Through the small crack, Nanao witnessed the slaughter. Blood spilling and gurgling screams. The sound would never leave her mind. And even through her parent's protection, Nanao was discovered when they raided the house for valuables, and taken._

 _She was blindfolded and placed in a wooden wagon with a few other children. From there, she had lost track of time. The soft cries of children and harsh curses of the samurai men made Nanao's mouth dry as sandpaper. Everything was black. Her hands shook uncontrollably in the chains she was bound in._

 _And the wagon stopped._

 _Still blindfolded, she was pushed off. The sharp rock dug into her bare feet until they bled, but she held in the tears she knew were coming. She kept silent. The others around her still cried, whimpering to be free. She didn't know where they were. She didn't know why these men had kidnapped them. All she knew was her life had become a nightmare._

 _And then they striped her bare._

 _They placed her in some kind of small box, with bars and no room to move. Still chained and blindfolded, Nanao remained still, shivering at the stings of the cool air._

 _That was the first night she didn't sleep._

 _The first of many._

 _She couldn't tell if morning had come, but she was suddenly being dragged and placed in front of a crowd of chatter. People left and right called out numbers while one person described her. Pretty. Perfect body. Tamed. Nanao tasted vomit._

 _The one who bought her was a man of high standards, but he was also a man whose heart had been tainted black by the Devil himself. Some believed he was the Devil, but Nanao knew otherwise. The fat, greedy glutton was worse. All he cared about was women and money. Whenever Nanao was forced to serve and feed him, she came away from purple and green tattoos decorated on her skin. And she wasn't the only child there. Many others lived in a small, cramped shed at the edge of the gardens. It was cold and dark. Nights were spent huddling together and sleeping in shifts. Nanao would rarely sleep when it was her turn._

 _She learned that the hard way when she was taken away one night and beaten to death for accidently spilling sauce on the Lord at dinner. She spent three days lying alone in the dirt without food or water. Three, red lashes burned her back like twisting snake tattoos. And when she was released, she found out she had been the lucky one. Another girl, a year younger than her had accidently spoken out of turn to the Lord and was killed. After that, Nanao started planning._

 _And in the next full moon, she sunk out of the shed, moved to the Lord's bedroom with careful hiding from the guards. Inside, the fat bastard was snored like a greedy lion. Two girls—obviously prostitutes—stuck to him like glue, not caring about the nakedness. Around them, sake bottle scattered. The room filled with the scent of stale alcohol and sex. Nanao's nose burned as she flared her reiastu to alert the sleeping threesome._

 _The whole time Nanao was living at the manor, the guards had beaten her to learn how to conceal her reiastu or be killed. She was the only one on the grounds besides the Lord who had it. The first night she served the Lord, he had made an abusing comment and made Nanao loose it, flaring her reiastu towards him accidently. It was there she learned._

 _The bastard awoke with a startling snort, and the girls beside him whined in relation. He sat up as Nanao stood at the foot of his bed, glaring him down with fire burning in the core of her eyes. He grinned at her through the dark, but the dim moonlight was enough for Nanao to see._

" _Hello, Mockingbird," the glutton smiled. "Come to join the party?"_

 _She sneered at him from the nickname. He had called her that after her reiastu flare the first night and it stuck afterwards._

 _His hand moved slowly over the sheets in front of him and she spat at him, narrowing her eyes. "Enough of this," her words hard, "I'm done. You will no longer treat me and the other children as shit. I'm here for only reason. To kill you."_

" _Harsh threats for such a small creature such as you," he laughed. "And how will you be doing this, I wonder?"_

 _Nanao pulled a small knife from her sleeve. The shimmering moonlight danced off the silver blade._

 _He laughed harder. "A small kitchen knife? You are but a mere child! How are you going to kill me with a kitchen knife? Don't you remember, Mockingbird?" he narrowed his eyes. "I was once a Shinigami."_

 _Nanao didn't care. She moved forward towards him, flaring her reiastu more. The glutton did the same. The girls in the bed had somehow succumbed to the pressuring reiastu and now lay lifeless on top of the sheets. Nanao would end this now. She would no longer have any more suffering. No more pain. He was once a Shinigami…bull…she didn't give him any leeway. His threats would never work._

 _And in one move she charged towards him, jumping on the bed, and pressing the blade against his neck. The bastard froze on impact, shaking under her. Her eyes swell with tears, remembering her parents, her little sister, and all the children that had been captured. Nothing was going to change what she went through._

 _She pressed the knife more on his neck, drawing a small tear of blood. The bastard started muttering, telling her lies and empty promises. But then he said something that made her stop and freeze._

" _What did you say?" She moved the knife slowly away._

" _Are your seven year old ears hard of hearing, Mockingbird? I said your little sister is alive."_

 _She shook her head. "No, you're lying."_

" _I'm not. Listen to me, Mockingbird, give me the knife and I'll bring you your sister save and sound." He smirked_

 _She swallowed and shook her head. "No."_

 _And she stabbed him over and over._

 _Blood splattered like red paint, spilling over, and staining the white silk sheets. Her purple kimono, torn and dirty, was also stained with blood of another man. Nanao felt like vomiting, but she had to free the others before the guards realized their weak Lord had been murdered._

 _But when she opened the shoji door to the halls outside, the guards had spot her. She flared her reiastu towards them, making the gravity heavy around. They collapsed at their knees as she ran passed, sprinting to the shed._

 _Then she and five other children ran._

 _The guards followed, with dogs of course. Nanao told them to all split up when they reached the woods and that was the last she saw of them._

 _She remembered she ran until dawn. The soles of her feet bloody and swollen, her body the same, covered with scratches from the forest and bruises from….By the time the early morning hours came, her legs had become numb. Air barely reached her lungs. And when she emerged from the forest, the whole world began to spin._

 _She remembered the colour pink at the end of the tunnel as she fell to the ground._

 _That was when darkness came and she welcomed it like a new friend._

xXx

Nanao was lost in thought when she arrived at a park nearby. The shining full moon gave her a dim light, but it didn't cast the darkness that flooded her mind and heart. The memories of her capture fell clear like the water from the fountain where she sat by. _Many years have passed…_ she traced a random scar on her arm. _…and the blood remains fresh. Then you found me and still brought me in as your subordinate._ "Taicho…."

"Ise-san."

Nanao shot up from her seat at the masculine, but soft voice. She breathed in relief when she saw the white haired man in front of her. She placed a hand on her chest, trying to slow her rapid heart. "Ukitake-taicho, you gave me a fright."

"Sorry. May I sit with you?"

She nodded and sat back down.

They sat in silence for a while, admiring the shimmering stars above. It was then she sighed heavily.

"Did he ask you to come?" she asked without glancing at him.

"No, I came on my own. Although, he is rather worried about you, but—"

"So I reckoned he told you about what happened." She frowned. "Well, I guess I can't stop you two from chatting about whatever. You are best of friends. He was the one to always tell you everything about me."

"Ise-san, this has nothing to do with Shunsui right now, what I want to know is if you are okay."

She looked at him. "I thought he told you already?"

"He told me his side of the story, but I want to know your side."

She shook her head. "Why? So you can go tell him?"

"No, so I can help you."

Her nails grinded against the stone bench as she stood up, hands balled into fists. "I am so sick of everyone trying to help me! Nobody can! So please, for the last time, stop trying to get whatever I'm feeling out into the open. It's none of your business or his."

She started to walk away when she felt a hand on her arm. She stopped, but didn't turn to the Taicho standing behind her. Instead she just shook her head.

"How much more does it take until you Taichos realize I don't want to talk about what happened that night."

"Ise-san, why do you think I want to talk about an event that what happened ten years ago?"

She turned to him with a curious look.

He smiled at her. "If you don't want to talk about it or anything else you don't want to talk about, then don't."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I saw you rush out of the restaurant, and when I saw the hole in the wall and asked Shunsui what happened, he told me that he said he was in love with you."

She blinked as she felt him let go of her arm.

"You're my friend, Ise-san. I needed to make sure you were alright."

Her eye brows furrowed. "Wait, hole in the wall?"

"Yes, I thought perhaps you were present when it was created. He never told me, only said he became angry."

"I wasn't there when that happened. We argued though, but I was the one who yelled more. I can't blame him for being angry." She looked at the ground. "I…I rejected him."

"But is it the truth?"

She shot a look at him. "What are you talking about, Ukitake-taicho? Of course it is! I could…he could never love me when I tell him…." Nanao's words got stuck in her throat. Her mouth grew dry as summer air.

"You don't have to say anything, Ise-san. However, I do feel like you're lying to yourself about how you feel."

"Even if I am, it wouldn't matter anyway."

"Ise-san, whatever it is, I know Shunsui wouldn't care. He loves you for who you are, you know this. And no horrible past will change it." A hand was placed on her shoulder. "Besides, I already know how you feel towards him."

"You do?"

"Mmmhm, you show it quite frequently."

"I do?" she spoke as if shocks ran through her body. "Then he should already know."

"You should at least tell him." He smiled. "There is a difference between showing and telling. You may have shown you love through your own personal gestures, but he probably would like to hear it."

"I'm not that good… at expressing my feeling through…words."

"It takes time, Ise-san. Even going back, he'll know."

She nodded as the hand disappeared. When she was about to shunpo off, her name was called again.

"You know you'll have to tell him eventually. I know you don't want to, but it does help even though they might not be any help."

She gave him a small smile, knowing Ukitake-taicho was only trying to give her some of his wisdom.

"And Ise-san, happy birthday."

"Thank you, Ukitake-taicho. I'm glad to have a friend like you."

"Now go… and good luck."

She nodded and shunpoed into the night.

xXx

" _I'm in love with you, Nanao-chan."_

His words repeated through her head like a broken record player. Adrenaline filled her blood. Jubilant. Exhilarated. Nanao rushed through the Seireitei, and stopped at the restaurant. Inside, the party still went on. Chatter and alcohol filled the atmosphere. But Nanao ignored it all, focusing on the back door to the room she last saw him.

" _I'm in love with you."_

Heart was pounding. Legs were shaking. Smiling still through the nerves, Nanao pushed through the crowds. Rangiku stood in her path temporarily. Obviously drunk, she slurred words that Nanao barely understood. Something about 'drink' and 'sex' and 'game'. Whatever it was about, Nanao didn't want to know. She grabbed Izuru, who seemed sober enough and asked him to take Rangiku home before she did something…she'd regret later.

" _I'm in love."_

Another step forward. Eyes remained glued to her destination like a hawk catching its prey. Nanao bit her lip, knowing she would be speechless through this life-changing conversation, but it was the first step into a new chapter. Who knows what would happen after this. She even questioned what their first kiss might be like. Would she see brilliant stars or exploding fireworks in orange and reds? Or a cosmic reaction of neon colours only visible to lovers who knew what was right? It would be a whole new adventure. And gods was she ever ready.

" _In love."_

 _Everything is about to change._

And she went through the door.

* * *

 **Good chapter, yeah? Nanao's past was a bit hard to think up at first. There were so many dark ideas I had for her. I'm content with the route I took. I never liked how Kubo wrote Nanao's past. I always thought her past drew how she was today, and I felt like Kubo's didn't do well to create that. So I decided to make my own. This story is completely AU of course. I hope you guys liked it!**

 **Please review! They do make me smile. Even if they're small. ^^**

 **Thanks again to snowkid, Jessy, Fading into the background, Nomi, monoprotic, Catachrestic, I am Telgar, Guest, and Alan Schezar for the review the first chapter! Let me know how you liked this one! :3**


	3. The Goodbye Look

**So sorry for the wait. Writer's block caught me in it's line and I couldn't escape for weeks! I got behind on a few of my creative writing assignments from it so I had to catch up with those before I did anything with this. That being said, the chapter is shorter, but no worries, because I shall start writing the next chapter and have it up in weeks time (hopefully).**

 **Thank you to all the lovely reviews and faves/follows! Love you all!**

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

Chapter Three

The Goodbye Look

 _It takes courage to say goodbye._

 _To stare at a thing lost and know it is gone forever._

 _Some tears are iron forged._

\- Jay Kristoff _Kinslayer_

Shunsui's eyes remained close, his thoughts on Nanao alone. For years he has longed for her. To take his hand into hers, and feel the soft warmth of her palm and fingers. He dreamed every night of her smile and her sweet voice whispering to him. He imagined whenever he looked at her what it would be like to kiss those rose-coloured lips. _Nanao_. Her name tasted like strawberries on his tongue whenever he spoke her sweet name.

He loved her.

But she didn't him.

He leaned back on the chair, knowing quite well how his small Fukutaicho felt. _She does have feelings for me. I know she does. I just have to find another way into her heart without hurting it._

"Nanao," he muttered under his breath, "where are you?"

His eyes opened when he felt the familiar reiastu enter the room. His eyes immediately moved towards the woman standing there smirking at him. He stared at her more, frowning.

"You aren't Nanao. Who—"

And everything turned black.

xXx

Nanao knew deep inside that she never should have returned to him that night.

There Nanao's hand dropped to her side. Her eyes widened by the sight upon her. Gravity fell on her chest like a ten ton bolder, killing her heart instantly. She couldn't even move, as if the floor beneath her was made out of glue. She had become as still as stone, but breaking and cracking slowly.

In front of her was the man she thought loved her, kissing another woman.

The woman's eyes opened up to Nanao's. Behind the woman's glasses, her hazel eyes showed enjoyment and pleasure. Her hands were buried in the long strains of her Taicho's as she moved forward on his lap to get deeper. The woman was giving a show, and Nanao had a front row seat.

She watched Shunsui break from the lip lock, his eyes matching her shocked expression. The wordless conversation between them was enough for Nanao to dash away, pushing through the sea of drunken people dancing and laughing, and out into the fresh night air. Tears ran down her face. Her rhythmic deep breaths of oxygen fogged up her spectacles, making it impossible to see. Her mind had begun showing her the picture she didn't want, repeating it like a broken record player. _Everything._ Everything was now gone.

Nausea swarmed.

Tears overflowed.

She felt so sick she had to stop and cling to the wall for support.

She had become lost. Lost in the meaning of love.

 _Love._

Such a phony word. It had become utter poison, filling her body with toxin gas, and enabling her to look at her Taicho with revealing an innocent blush. It was _Love_ that caused her to become wrapped up in this illusion that Kyoraku-taicho actually cared and had feelings for her. She had believed in Ukitake-taicho's words hours earlier. Her Taicho had been waiting years for her to finally give in and accept her feelings for what it was. She cursed silently at the trust she put in both men, but also herself. For years, she had denied it. She had forced her mind and self-taught herself to not fall for her Taicho's flirty ways. That it was only misleading and lead to heartbreak. But her heart never listened to such words, as much as she told it so. _Love_ had developed, and surrounded itself like a disease around her heart, whispering it lies. And all this time, she believed it.

 _I believed him!_

She had become a spawn in his little game. His little fucked up game of reality. He used her, make her think she had a chance. How could she be….

"I'm so stupid," she muttered under her breath.

Nanao's knuckles hit the wall. Immediately, the skin broke, causing blood to stain the walls. She cradled her hands, sliding down the wall, her tears streaming down her red cheeks.

 _Why?_ She asked herself over and over. _I should have never have left him in the first place. If I had stayed…_

If she had stayed, what would have happened? Nanao knew deep down she didn't have the courage to make a move, let alone sit on his lap like a….

"How disgusting," she muttered, clearing away her tears with her hands. _Why would I think something so inappropriate! Even Kyoraku-taicho has his limits and that is beyond it!_

Her eyes soften.

 _At least, I think it is._

She remembered the clear hazel eyes the woman had behind those glasses. Her short brunette hair— messy and ruffled. The look she gave Nanao…those eyes, she had seen them before. Just days earlier. Although her face was mostly concealed, Nanao recognized her. She was the same woman Nanao came in contact with outside the office. Only difference was, the woman she saw tonight didn't match the innocent and scared woman she saw at the office. It was wicked; something Nanao would see the women wearing when she came to get Shunsui at a dirty strip club. Except this woman wasn't doing it for money. This woman was purposely making sure Nanao saw what she was seeing and felt that bitter betrayal towards Shunsui. It was as if…

 _Was this planned?_ She stood up, looking down the street towards the direction she ran from, her eyes narrowing.

She didn't remember what her Taicho was doing specifically. Were his hands around her? Was he touching her inappropriately? Nanao head felt fuzzing from crying. But she did know one thing that was going on. This woman had played her. She was forcing Nanao into believing her Taicho had tricked her. She knew her Taicho's true feelings and intentions towards her, and hurting her wasn't one of them.

It was this woman. There was something about her that made Nanao's skin crawl.

 _You are not going to fool me._

Nanao started walking back towards the restaurant.

 _I'm going to find out who exactly you are._

Each footstep taken towards the building was another pain shooting through her heart. She thought about the talk her and Shunsui had. He was trying to help her and all she did was push him away. If she loved him and he loved her, they should be communicating passed Taicho and Fukutaicho. If not lovers, friends! They were friends, weren't they?

Nanao couldn't remember the last time or the first they did something together as friends and not as co-workers. Did she really waste decades with him without having a normal _friend_ conversation? She knew she had a few with Ukitake-taicho, but never with her own Taicho.

And while she was so deep in thought, she didn't even notice she had fallen back into the place she had come so many times already.

 _I'm coming back here too many times tonight._ Nanao commented, coming back into the restaurant.

It was already around three in the morning, and mostly everyone was either gone or passed out in the booths. And not only that— Nanao couldn't feel her Taicho's reiatsu anywhere. She felt vomit mix in her stomach. The lingering atmospheric smell of alcohol burned Nanao's nose. So much she had to leave the building, but that didn't stop her search. _He could be back at home._ _But if he was at home, was she too?_ Nanao paused, looking up at the silver lantern of the moon.

What if she was wrong?

What if this woman was just a woman and she was just being paranoid?

What if Shunsui found someone who would love him?

Nanao felt a burning sensation in her chest like dynamite had begun the countdown to explosion. She held her injured hand to her heart, taking deep breaths to calm the rhythmic organ. She couldn't just walk up to his home and knock on the door! That would be disrespectful! Nanao wasn't like that and she would never turn into a person like that.

 _I should let him do what he wants. It doesn't matter anymore! He got a girl and…and what Nanao? Let them live happily ever after with you still working beside him?_

She sighed at the moon.

 _And there is also the fact of the issue at hand. I'm still tied down and could probably never be with him even if I could. Not without killing him._

Her eyes moved to her injured hand—the knuckles scraped and swollen.

 _Maybe this is for the best. He could live happily and I won't have to worry about him leaving this world too soon._

A tear fell from her face.

 _Even though it kills me in the end._

xXx

 _There was always a line between what was good and what was bad. Nanao's parents had taught her that._

 _However, when she met Kyoraku-taicho, the thought changed._

 _She was seven years old when she first heard the low, deep hum of the man who rescued her. His voice was like a lion's purr, comforting her with a slow, mellow tune. It was a musical tune she thought she only heard in her dreams. But she opened her eyes to the bright, sun –gleaming lit room. Whiteness swarmed her vision like snow before burring into reality. She took a deep breath, getting used to her body, and remembering what she had just gone through. Confusion ran through her brain, trying to make sense of why her body felt normal. There was no pain. If she hadn't known about her treacherous night through the forest, the thought of why her body had no pain would've passed through her head._

 _But she remembered the scratches and blisters that ran caused._

 _The blood and mud painting her skin like a tattoo._

 _Darkness and murder._

 _It was all there in her head._

 _What she saw though, what she heard, was calmness. A whisper of the wind, echoing through her ears softly. It was like she was home again in her parent's arms, lying next to a warm fire as her mother's homemade stew filled the room in a heavy, rich aroma._

 _The only difference was the brightness of the room and the deep voice speaking to female voice._

 _An unrecognizable voice._

 _Nanao sat up quickly and turned her head to the two strangers whispering quietly. Their heads turned when Nanao stirred. The girl, in her early twenties, with black hair and glasses, walked towards her, wearing a stilled expression._

" _Hey, Kid, are you alright?" she asked._

 _All Nanao could do was nodded slightly. Her eyes moved to the larger stranger sitting in a chair behind the girl. His soft eyes locking with hers. He didn't seem like a bad man, although Nanao did find it strange to see him wearing a woman's pink kimono on his back._

" _Are you sure?" the girl asked again. "You were pretty much a wreck when we found you."_

 _Nanao's eyes moved back to the girl._

" _What happened to you anyways, Kid?"_

 _Nanao's eyes went wide. Flashes of that night raced through her brain. She shook her head quickly, feeling the hyperventilation moving in._

 _And as a hand landed on her shoulder, Nanao placed her hand over her ears, crying out. Moments later someone had wrapped their arms around her. A warm chest; the scent of wild flowers and lavender; and a deep, rough voice, calming her down to small hiccups; Nanao felt immediately comforted by this man, whoever he was. She clung to him like he had become her life-line. In her mind, she couldn't remember the last time someone had held her like she meant something. She was afraid, at first, what he might do once he placed his hand on her shoulder, but now, Nanao knew the man's true nature. He was a caring man who she could trust._

 _Nanao looked up into the man's soft brown eyes, feeling a wave of warmth fill her body. A giant hand touched the top of her head gently, and a small smile appeared. "What's your name, little one?"_

" _Nan…Nanao. Nanao Ise," she said quietly._

" _Nanao. What a lovely name."_

 _A few seconds later another man appeared in the doorway. He bowed and spoke in a respectful and proper manner. "Kyoraku-taicho, Yadomaru-fukutaicho, I'm sorry to bother you, but there is an urgent manner that must dealt with."_

" _What is it?" Kyoraku asked, in what Nanao thought was a hard and demanding voice only leaders had._

" _Sir, one of the leaders of The Black Lotus has arrived at the west gate and is demanding to speak to one of the Taicho's, Sir."_

" _And a reason why another Taicho can't deal with it is because…?"_

" _Sir, if I may speak out of line, but I think it involves the small child you came back with. They said the small girl that you picked up belonged to them and they want her back."_

 _Nanao looked wide-eyed at both the man at the door way and Kyoraku-taicho. Her hands gripped his white haori in front of her tighter, trying to tell him her fear. He caught her eye, softened them for a second, before turning back to the man with a cold stare. "And how do they know the child is there's?"_

 _The man started to become nervous. Nanao could see him shaking. "I…I don't know, Sir. They just said they saw you take the girl from the 42_ _nd_ _Rukon district."_

 _An exasperated sigh escaped the Taicho's throat as he stood up with Nanao still clinging to his haori. She looked at him, shaking her head slowly. "Please…don't let them get me."_

 _He gave her a smile. "Don't worry, Nanao-chan, you aren't going anywhere. I'm just going to go and speak to them, and I'll be right back."_

 _Nanao was handed to Yadomaru-fukutaicho, but before he got too far, she reached out to grab the sleeve of his haori. "Don't go," she whispered, feeling the tears swell in her eyes._

 _He faced her with a smile and leaned down to her level. "You are going to stay with Lisa-chan for a bit, okay? But I want you to do something, and it's a very important mission only you can do, Nanao-chan." He handed her his kasa. "I need you to take care of my hat for me until I return. Can you do this, Nanao-chan?"_

 _She gave him a nod and gripped the straw hat in her hands._

" _I'll be right back."_

 _And he came back._

 _He always did._

xXx

There was something about Mondays Nanao never liked, and it wasn't because of the amount of paper work she was piled with. It was the fact her Taicho rarely came in on Mondays due to hangovers. He would never come in, thus she would never see him. But when she opened her eyes to the new morning light, Nanao had a strange sensation in her bones—a chill or an itch that couldn't be scratched. There was going to be something about this day that would be different. The only thing was Nanao couldn't figure out if it was going to be good or bad.

She got ready like every day. Hair up and neat. Her shihakusho absent of any unwanted wrinkles. Glasses clean and clear. But something about her appearance felt off. She looked in the mirror just in case she had missed something, but nothing appeared out of the ordinary. Still, there was something she just couldn't put her finger on.

Her fingers touched her face lightly, feeling the tingling sensation. Her eyes closed, breathing in the warm scent of the morning air. As her fingers carelessly moved across her cheek, she imagined her Taicho's fingers doing the same. Then her eyes shot open and her hands moved away from her face. She shook her head, clearing the image, and realizing what was so different about today.

As she sunk to the floor, holding her chest, she knew what would probably happen this week, or even today. She would have to do the one thing she never thought she would do.

… _saying goodbye._

She stood back up, touching her reflection in the mirror.

 _Why does love have to be so…_

And she took a deep breath, leaving.

Her walk to the office was a quick one. In no time, she had arrived at the eighth's gates.

When she arrived at the office, she was confused on why the door had been unlocked. She swore she had locked it on Friday before leaving, and she was pretty much the first one here first thing Monday. Plus, only two people had keys, her and…

"But why would he be here so early?" she spoke.

She felt her heart start to beat violently. A flock of butterflies had entered her stomach, swarming and spreading her anxiety further. Above her she could slightly detect his reiastu too. She started climbing the stairs towards her and Shunsui's office. Once at the top, she saw the shoji door was ajar and unlocked.

 _No…impossible._ She moved the door to the side to see him at his desk, writing away on paper. He looked up casually gave her a nod and said in a strict and proper tone, "Good morning, Fukutaicho-Ise."

Nanao stood still like a stone statue. Her eyes were wide at not only his tone, but what he called her. She moved her mouth to speak; however, no words were spoken. She blinked as he looked back up to her in a professional matter. His mouth line in a small frown and brows slightly furrowed. Nanao had never seen this look before. Usually when she was in a state of shock or a state of confusion and melancholic, he would be rushing to her, opening his arms to her, only to be pushed away by her hands or fan. Nanao never did like to be touched, but now, she wished she was in his arms.

"Is something wrong, Fukutaicho-Ise?"

She shook her head and moved to her desk, staring at the little paperwork she had to do. Her eyes moved over to his desk then to were a pile she would have on a regular day, laid. Then her eyes landed on him. He looked so different. His hair had been combed for once and was tied neatly with no flower pins. His 5 o'clock shadow had been shaved. His hat was nowhere to be seen. And his pink kimono, it was gone.

He was dressed the way Nanao always wanted him dressed. A way a Taicho should be dressed. But at the same time, it wasn't. She didn't like it.

"Kyoraku-taicho—"

"Shunsui-kun!" a woman's voice called down the hall.

Nanao looked to the woman who just arrived in the office, dressed in a regular Shinigami uniform. Right away Nanao knew who she was.

It was the girl from the other day.

 _So she was the one…_

The girl gave Nanao a nasty smile and narrowed her eyes through her glasses as she moved towards Shunsui. Then Nanao watched as her own Taicho's mouth moved into a bright smile and brought the girl into his arms as she started to kiss him. Nanao couldn't watch anymore. Her eyes moved to the wall to her right until she heard the sound of a chair being moved and footsteps pattering against the wooden floor.

"Fukutaicho." Shunsui's stern voice echoed through her ears. It caught her attention and she looked at him. There he gave her a cold expression and placed a few papers on her desk. "I need you to fill these out accordingly and place them on my desk for review. I have to drop something off at the first division quickly. I would like those papers on my desk by noon, understand?"

All she did was stare at him.

"Fukutaicho-Ise."

All she could do was stand there and do nothing while her whole world started crashing down.

"Fukutaicho-Ise!"

She blinked. "Yes? Yes, Sir. I'll get that done right away."

"Excellent." She watched him lean down and kissed the girl quickly. "I'll be right back, Hana-chan. Wait for me here and then we'll go to breakfast."

Nanao's skin crawled as she heard the familiar tone of his voice. The same soft, flirty tone he spoke to her and only her.

Then he left, leaving her and…

"I'm Hana," she smiled, her hand out to shake Nanao's. "You must the famous Nanao Ise."

Nanao looked at the hand, not shaking it. "Famous?"

"Shunsui-kun has spoken much about you."

"Really? Because from what I saw just now, he isn't the type to do so."

"Well, when I met him he was…let's just say very talkative and improper, but with a little few days of love, you can change…a lot?" she laughed.

Nanao narrowed her eyes and walked around her desk. "What did you do to him?"

"I already told you. I don't think I need to repeat myself. I mean, he did mention you were a good listener, or was that lie."

"Who are you?"

"I already told you! Gods, you are so…not a good listener. I'll have to have a little chat to Shunsui-kun about that."

Nanao shook her head out of disbelief. "Shunsui-kun?…okay stop!"

"No, you stop," Hana said in a gentle tone. "Shunsui-kun is finally happy, and here you are about to ruin it. Why can't you just understand that he's finally found someone who loves and appreciates him instead of pushing him around and messing with his heart? He loves me and I love him. Accept that. Besides, you never loved him in the first place, why should it matter now? Weren't you the one who rejected his love on Friday? And by the way, did you enjoy the show?"

This girl had left Nanao speechless! Her hands rolled into a fist, ready to give this girl a piece of her mind, but she stood her ground remembering her past. _She's right. Remember? This girl is saving him from you. He is happy, so why can't you be, Nanao? He will live a normal and long life and you…_

"Face it, Nanao-san, Shunsui-kun has moved on. It's time let go of the past."

"The past?" she looked at Hana. "The past is one thing I can never let go of."

There was a slight pause. A silence through the air. Then Hana smirked. "You know, Nanao-san. I'm surprised."

"About?"

"About the fact someone as smart as you hasn't figured it out yet."

Nanao's eyes narrowed. "Figured what out?"

Shunsui's reiastu filled the room before any more speech was released by either of the women. He entered the room and wrapped his hand around Hana's waist. "Ready to go?" he asked.

She nodded to him as she looked back to Nanao. "It was nice to meet you, Nanao-san. I hope we can talk more later. Goodbye."

And as they left, Shunsui didn't say anything to Nanao. He didn't even look at her.

There wasn't even a goodbye.

* * *

 **And that's it! I really want to get passed these next chapters since some hard stuff happens. I know...you all probably aren't happy with the situation at all, but do not fret! It shall not last. :)**

 **Please review! I love them! ^^**


End file.
